Tag Archives: novel idea

Send ’em all back

Something occurred to me as thoughts rambled freely through my mind in the moments before I truly woke up this morning. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. The President-elect, as I daresay we all know, has talked of sending certain non-white groups, two in particular, back to their countries of origin. But why stop there? Why not send white people back too? I have many candidates in mind.

Murderers, rapists, drug dealers, child abusers, white collar criminals that bilk people out of their life savings, people who harm and take advantage of the elderly, manufacturers who deliberately cut corners in things they build, be it infrastructure or products that result in harm or death, guys who make bombs in their garages and basements, people who hurt or kill animals for no just reason, thieves, wife beaters, sexual harassers, home invaders, arsonists, stalkers, gang members who terrorize the people in their communities, child pornographers, people in positions of trust – lawyers, doctors, politicians, teachers, ministers, law enforcement, policy makers – who take advantage of their power, people who hurt other people while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, hostage takers, day care providers and babysitters who neglect and willfully endanger their charges, and cyber attackers. I’m sure there’s more but this seems like a good start.

It should be easy to figure out where to ship these people. Outfits like Ancestry.com have eliminated the guesswork! Have you seen one of their latest TV commercials? An average young couple is talking “candidly” about the husband’s ancestry results obtained through the website. The wife complains “jokingly” that she thought she was getting an Italian, but oops, turns out, he isn’t. (I don’t remember the country that most of his ancestors hailed from but it wasn’t as sexy as Italy.) Just figure out the dominant ancestry and send all the aforementioned people back. To head off any objections, maybe we can offer a small stipend to the country that’ll have to take them.

There’ll be so many benefits to the rest of us who are just trying to harmlessly go about our little lives. And just think how ROOMY everything will be after this is accomplished.