Category Archives: Humor (cuz I’m funny)

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Things Men Have Said To Me (#30)

It was a new relationship and we were discussing intimacy.

HIM: “You can touch whenever it’s appropriate.”

[He thinks a moment]

HIM: “And even if it’s not as long as you don’t get caught.”

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Short Thought 220 (money)

You hear about all these women getting scammed out of money, their life savings and so on, from men online. Or they just give money to their boyfriends who never pay it back (and often never intended to). If a man was silly enough to ask me for cash, I think I’d send him an envelope full of Monopoly money. Maybe I’d throw in a hotel or two if I was feeling frisky.

Know your audience

This happened many years ago. All the kids in my family were grown but we still congregated with our relatives at out-of-state family reunions. One year the big reunion on our mother’s side had been held at a park but in the evening the group continued the festivities at one of my cousin’s homes. People had begun telling jokes. My brother, in an animated fashion, told a detailed, moderately racy joke that was greeted with much laughter after its punchline.

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My sister, on the other hand, told a short joke:

“Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe?”
“Because it’s fucking close to water.”

This joke didn’t go over quite so well. Perhaps because my sister had failed to think about the fact that we were literally in a town that made an American beer, one much beloved by the locals.

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For the child who wants to stand out

I occasionally see a little girl who wears a large red plastic cup on her head. It is attached to some kind of elastic to keep it securely in place.
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I’d guess her to be about 10 now, so she’d have been around 9 when I first saw her last year and the sight about stopped me in my tracks. It was just so inexplicable. What did it mean??

I admit to feeling vaguely annoyed by the plastic cup on her head in ways I can’t exactly articulate. On the other hand one has to at least somewhat admire her originality. Not a lot of people could walk around with a plastic cup on their head, at a jaunty angle no less, as if it was nothing. I can’t help but wonder though, if she associates the red plastic cup, as I do, with parties, kegs, and beer. I’m guessing not.

For kicks I googled “wearing a red plastic cup on your head” to see if I was missing something. It turned up nothing relevant but reminded me said cups are Solo┬« cups, which I’d forgotten.

As a child who was so desperate to wear earrings, I once fished round, gold plated curtain hooks out of the family junk drawer and fashioned them into jewelry, I can’t exactly cast too much aspersion on the cup-wearing child. That said, I’m fairly sure I never left the house sporting my curtain-hooks-as-earrings in public. Of course the day will come when this girl will no longer wear her red plastic cup out either. Since I don’t know her I wonder if she’ll continue her non-conformist fashion ways or will she become self-conscious and choose more mainstream accessories. I also wonder how she will look back on her head cup when she is older.

Somebody needs spell check

This past June I posted a photo of the sign in front of the local elementary school. School is back in session and I noticed the current sign. It’s spelled that way on both sides of the sign so it wasn’t an oversight. I’m thinking maybe prior to sticking the letters up there somebody needs to type up the text in a word processing program with a spell check. Hell I’d come around and proof it for ’em.
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