Category Archives: Humor

Overheard in the grocery store

Customer: Should you be putting the cherries that were on the floor back on the shelf?

Employee: Yeah. They’re going to get washed anyway.

Suddenly I was glad I don’t like cherries. And thinking that buying a bottle of “vegetable wash” might not be quite the needless and frivolous purchase I’d always presumed it was…

 

Whoooooo?

I was perusing the weekly newspaper coupons when I saw what appears to be a creepy-looking owl in a cheap suit sporting a monocle and peddling allergy medication.

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Here he is in a second ad.

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This picture is more disturbing with that outstretched hand no longer holding the product.

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In case you’ve forgotten or are uncertain, this is what actual owl “hands” look like. Owl hands are for grasping unsuspecting or slow-moving prey. They don’t look like moldy used gloves. Mr. Owl’s hands in the ad copy are peculiar because they aren’t quite human hands and they aren’t quite owl talons. I mean he’s not even going to be able to pry his way into the surely vault-like packaging on all such pharmaceutical products, the kind that might be assisted by a decent pair of talon-like hands.

Even if we get past the bizarre outfit (used car salesman suit and monocle) why would an owl hock allergy medication? Not because owls suffer from seasonal allergies surely. Because they’re “wise”? Perhaps if I saw a TV ad for this product some of my questions would be addressed. Then again… Whoooooo indeed.

Short Thought 186 (Dollar Tree)

Maybe I go to Dollar Tree too much a lot.

I was in a Ross Dress store this week when a random woman in the kitchen gadgets aisle said that she was looking for plastic fruit and thought she’d seen it previously in Ross. Well, I didn’t know about any plastic fruit in Ross but I could tell her Dollar Tree had plastic fruit like limes and lemons. Not only could I tell her that Dollar Tree had them but I knew what aisle she could find them in (the one with the bags of rocks for sale).

For the record I have never purchased the plastic fruit at Dollar Tree. I merely admire them.

I always wanted one

It’s true. I have always wanted a pink flamingo. They always struck me funny. However, I really couldn’t see spending money on one. In recent years they even started showing up at Dollar Tree, small ones, seasonally, and still I held off. Till the other day. I saw those flamingoes, a bunch of them, but only one had “legs” with it. All the other flamingoes were legless which sort of defeats the point. A hanging flamingo just wouldn’t be the same.

I took it as a sign that I should have my pink flamingo.

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He is standing next to mint to give you a sense of his diminutive stature

The “instruction” were interesting too. Since my “stick” were not stuck in the front as illustrated but in two side-by-side holes on the bottom, I was so confused! I could hardly assemble the thing from these complicated instructions.

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So, there was this

Earlier in the month I was, as I frequently do, walking through what amounts to our “town square”, an older, original part of the community that has a few basic shops and businesses, most of the non-chain variety, when I saw this.

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I do suspect that some of the people in town may be aliens but I’d never seen such hard core evidence before. With a little imagination I can picture the rest of the creature’s body hidden in the hedge. He has merely popped his head up to take a cautious look around before planning his infiltration.

 

 

 

Because sometimes a philosophical, analytical gal needs be literal

I like cooking – and I LOVE eating – and as such have the great majority of my meals at home. To that end, I have a few kitchen conveniences: a blender, a food processor attachment for said blender, a single serve blender, a rice cooker, an electric mini chopper, a coffee maker, an electric coffee grinder, a toaster oven, a microwave, a bigger toaster oven, an unused slow cooker (I’ve been slow to figure its best uses), and a peg-legged electric skillet. I think that’s everybody.

I also like Amazon a lot. It is easy to hop online and become entranced by all the lovely things for sale. Don’t worry – I do more looking than buying. Now I knew already that a gadget that exclusively boils water existed. Such appliances have been around a long time, before Amazon existed. But I’d never had one and shopping Amazon got me to thinking wouldn’t that be a nice thing to have in winter? Hot tea? Hot cocoa? Boom! Done!

Then I remembered something. Something I knew and had forgotten. The coffee maker boils water.  Duh! Right. Coffee. Boiling water. A winter or two ago this novel idea had occurred to me but I had forgotten. All you have to do is leave the coffee grinds out. This winter, however, after I remembered I wasn’t taking any chances.

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Silly as it seems my little sign worked. I boiled water for hot tea or hot cocoa. I didn’t need a hot water dispenser. I had one. It’s so literal but sometimes my mind needs very clear instructions. I could probably take my little note down now but I kind of like it. And I might forget between now and next winter. It also makes me think of other signs for the kitchen appliances:

I keep things cold!

I nuke food!

I keep your food from rotting!

I make the noise equivalent to a pneumatic jackhammer while blending frozen drinks!

I cook everything at 350° no matter what you set my dial to!

I was salvaged from the curb and have two homemade peg legs made from screws but I still cook pancakes like a champ!

I’m an elderly kitchen appliance over 20 years old and am probably made of the plastic that’ll put you in an early grave but I still chop tiny amounts of food and am really cute!

I never get used but you keep promising you liar!

 

American quality you say?

I bought a new pair of cheap, skinny jeans yesterday. I like skinny jeans because I can move freely in them, I don’t have to worry about the legs being long enough, they look great with boots, and in winter there’s no chilly breeze up-drafting from the ankles. The pair I found was a brand I’d never heard of (brand name concerns me not a bit; a low price and attractive fit do).

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American Quality Denim ay? Are you sure?

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Yep, more evidence. But are you REALLY sure?

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Hell yeah they’re sure! They even have a little flag!

But wait. What’s this now?

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See. I just don’t get this. Who are they marketing these jeans to??? Americans? Chinese? Somebody else? I certainly am aware the ubiquitous phrase “Made in China” has a bad rap. But “Made in America” isn’t exactly a stellar one by most objective standards. And what is “American quality” denim?? Particularly if said denim was made in China. It’s a cultural koan! What if instead of having “American Quality” slapped all over it the jeans prominently said “Chinese Quality Denim? If I’m being honest, that might give me pause, but they’re still the same jeans, and had I checked out these theoretical pants, I’d have seen just what I did: reasonably well-made jeans (finished off seams, no weird miscellaneous hanging threads, legs of equal length, a metal zipper that lays flat and slides easily, and so on). They are decent quality. But whose decent quality?! I am confused on a new level.