I should probably stop reading random stuff. It hurts my brains.

A few things caught my attention recently so I’m cobbling them into one post (with a tilt of my thrift-store hat to my WordPress buddy Tim who also sometimes writes posts along these lines).

I recently treated myself to a 2 pound bag of shrimp. Seafood is generally not in my price range moreover I’ve noticed that icky chemicals are often added now “to retain moisture and color” and other nonsense, which critics say can be used to disguise festering, old fish products. Nice! Dear lord, I’ve even seen carbon monoxide as an additive – seriously, Sea Best Tilapia has it. You can pay MORE to buy their “natural” version which doesn’t. Nice! Anyway, I happened upon this lone package of frozen, raw shrimp at the small, local grocery store at an appealing $5 a pound. It didn’t say anything about weird preservatives but it did say this:

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Born, raised, harvested, US. This reads like the shrimp’s autobiography.  Born, raised, attended Shellfish Academy, interned at  Pollock, Lobster & Calamari Ltd, met a fine catch, reared 600 shrimplets, worked at Avoiding the Net United….

What Christmas would be complete without a heartwarming discussion of toilet paper packaging? I can’t help myself – I read everything. For some time I’ve noticed the increasingly bizarre improved toilet paper claims. (Give me the company which says only “Be glad we’re not newspaper”  and I would buy that stuff up.) So here’s what this one reads:

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You know what I said aloud to myself on reading this? What the hell does that mean?? Flexible and strong for a comfortable clean you can count on?? Who writes this stuff? Count on your toilet paper?? Because it so often lets you down? I don’t think I even want to know what this means.  Cleanstretch®?!? The brand is PROUD enough of their ridiculous new word that they trademarked it. Good thinking!

Speaking of thrift store hats (and yes, yes I actually was, back in the first paragraph), I just got this fine little hat for a $1. I wash everything I buy secondhand and this was not exempted. Afterward, when it was air-drying, I took a look at the label.

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Very standard looking label right? Nothing odd or atypical. I draw your attention to the words at the very top, “SEE REVERSE FOR CARE.” Totally standard. Let’s look at the “reverse” then.

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Now there’s a gut-buster! DO NOT WASH?!? Whaddayamean do not wash?? This is like a sign that reads “Please use other door” but there IS no other door! Why couldn’t they have simply written “unwashable” on the front side?? Even a “dry clean only” for kicks?! Or how ’bout “Throw out when dirty”? As it stands it reads like a weird koan to ponder forevermore. Which I plan to do while wearing my cute hat!

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10 thoughts on “I should probably stop reading random stuff. It hurts my brains.

  1. edgar62

    And a very cute hat it is too!! My dear wife bought something and like the efficient person she is, washed it before use in a sink full of water and other dishes. Then she read the instructions on the box “Do not immerse in water” Oh well, in about 50 years – when it dries out and is ready for use – we can fill it with Olive Oil and, hopefully, the spray system will still work

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. battlewagon13

    It warmed the very cockles of my heart to see this post and read though it. The autobiography of a shrimp made me l the hell o l. But wait, does this mean that I now have to write about a wall decoration that I made from an old tuba and is still functional?

    Liked by 1 person

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