Those of you who aren’t also bloggers may not know that bloggers get lots of spam pretending to be genuine comments on posts, just like you do with email. Fortunately WordPress recognizes most of it and puts it in a spam folder. Once in awhile I take a look at what’s in my spam because occasionally real comments get dumped in there. The spam is fairly typical and never has anything to do with the actual post. However, it’s taken a peculiar turn lately with a “personal” touch; nonsensical messages from “people” who talk as if we know each other. Computer-generated? Not sure.
I DO get tempted to answer some of this junk but I never have because it’s kind of a fat waste of time and why encourage spammers? However, these two recent peaches ought to be shared with the responses I’d give them (if I was going to do that).
Weird Spammer #1: “Hello. I have not been on this page since summer. It was only because I was touring to Michigan because of my business at Alcoa. It requires a large amount of time from me, however I still think about your post. I remember our days at Columbia Centro Universitario (PR) in Florida. So pleased that we had a opportunity to play around the pool. Kindly send my thanks to Mary along with mack. Merci”
My imaginary response: “How kind of you to write! Has it been that long really? Time does pass, doesn’t it?! Oh yes, many people delight in touring to Michigan, and I hope your business at Alcoa is doing swell and that silly misunderstanding about your misappropriating billions of dollars in donated funds has been cleared up. A prison sentence sure wouldn’t be good for business would it? Wink, wink! I too remember so fondly our days romping at the University in Florida. Who would think that you could graduate with a D- average? But good for you anyway! Your parents certainly helped out there didn’t they? What with getting that incident with the cheerleaders expunged from your record. Good times! And the pool! Oh my, don’t get me started…that WAS indeed pleasing you ol’ devil you! Oh sorry to say that weasel Mary ran off with the two-headed boy from the circus when it was passing through town so I won’t be talking to her too soon. That’s what I get for taking her out for a fun time to try to cheer her up! Hey, you thank Carlos for sending those pictures to cheer ME up. Oh, oops! Maybe I wasn’t supposed to mention that! Um, who’s mack??? Au revoir! Write soon! But not too soon! Because I am also really busy starting my online business selling Meth Head Barbey and Crack Kenn (get it? I changed the spelling!).”
Weird Spammer #2: “Terrific post. I was thrilled to find this since I was also given birth to in New York. in addition, thank you for seeing Tampa and assisting me to better appreciate cooking skills. This supported me with my admittance to University of Alabama. Looking forward to seeing you in our home and catch up with our hockey game.”
My Imaginary Response: “OMG. YOU WERE ALSO GIVEN BIRTH TO IN NEW YORK??????!!!!!????? What are the FREAKISH odds of that?!?!?!? WOW!!! WE SHOULD GET A PRIZE!! Oh, I just remembered, um, I wasn’t given birth to in New York, but no bigee. I did see Tampa though!! Once, like on a map, I think I picked it out good. And you and I both know it was high time for you to appreciate cooking skills. I mean c’mon, you are 38! Enough with the Ramen noodles, amiright?!? So I guess you got that prep chef job after I helped you, that is so great!!!! I bet they were REALLY impressed with that on your college application to the University of Alabama. Gee, I never knew anybody who went to the University of Alabama. I guess you’ll start talking like a southerner now and walking slow and eating grits? See, I saw a TV show once about the South so I learned ALL about it. And there was a movie I saw too, something about banjos. I bet you will fit in just fine, NOT!!!!! Hahaha, sucka! Wait — you’re gonna come live with me in MY home? Was I drunk when we planned this? Okay, I guess you can because you just know I need you to ‘splain that hockey stuff to me. See you soon! You can demonstrate those great cooking skills but bring some pork rinds and Natty Bo too, k? Later dude!”